AITA for not coddling my nephew
I’ve got a 24‑year‑old nephew who’s been living with my mother‑in‑law and father‑in‑law to “learn how to take care of himself.” I’ve got a husband, three kids (23, 21, 18), and a one‑mile radius of “independence.”
So far, my nephew’s skill set reads like a toddler’s to‑do list:
- Never held a job
- Doesn’t drive
- Never cooked a meal that didn’t burn
- Does not know how to do laundry (he thinks a dryer is a vending machine)
- Social skills: …just kidding, they’re not there at all.
After a month, he still needs a GPS to find the nearest grocery store (which is a half‑mile away, 50 °F, and the only way to walk is to cry). He keeps texting us daily to ask if we can take him to a specific mall 15 miles away when there’s a perfectly fine one 2 miles away, across the street from a bus stop. He also wants us to drive him to a grocery store because the weather is “too cold.” We’ve been saying “yes” for the first couple of weeks, but now we’re only giving the keys if we’re already heading that way. Otherwise, we suggest Uber, walking, or the bus.
The plot twist: My older kids went to a “party” (15 people building gingerbread houses, playing white‑elephant, and a Mario Kart tournament—no booze, no loud music) at a cousin’s house an hour and a half away. My nephew agreed to go, but 20 minutes in he started texting me: “How long will this last?” “I’m overwhelmed.” “I only expected 3 people.” He then asked me to pick him up. I told him he agreed to go, and if he can’t handle it he can Uber or take a train. He wasn’t willing to, so he just sat in the living room waiting for my kids to be ready to go.
He told my mother‑in‑law that we were refusing rides and that I wouldn’t pick him up from the party. She called me furious, saying we’re “treating him like this” and that he came over to learn independence. I told her that learning independence means learning to do stuff by yourself, and I don’t plan to coddle a grown‑man. If my kids can figure it out, so can he.
Now she’s mad that I’m refusing to support her son learning independence, claiming family is supposed to be better than this.
AITA for not coddling him?
Comments
1. INFO: Is he autistic or otherwise developmentally disabled?
2. Probably, but he hasn’t been assessed. Either way, my middle is autistic and isn’t nearly this bad.
3. His parents have failed him tremendously. I’m autistic and don’t hold a driver’s license because I struggle with visual processing while moving, but as an adult I lived where I could access public transit, walk, or carpool. I learned cooking and housework from a very young age; what they've done is enable his helplessness.
4. Autism is a spectrum. Some autistic people need 24/7 caregivers their whole lives, some get their PhD and solve medical mysteries. And then there’s everyone in between. If you want to help your nephew, encourage the family to get him assessed by a clinical psychologist and into OT and vocational rehab, plus whatever else the psychologist suggests.
5. Either way my middle is autistic and isn’t nearly this bad.
6. We’re all different. We can’t just be like another autistic person because you like the way they behave better.
TL;DR
You’re not the nephew’s personal chauffeur. Let him Uber, walk, or take the bus—he’s supposed to learn independence, not get a free ride to the mall. 🚗✈️🏠