AITA for telling my boyfriend that I want to be paid more than half for groceries from now on?
I created a burner account just to post this because he knows my Reddit.
We’re both mid‑20s. We’ve been together for 3.5 years, living together for 1. I’m a bartender and work 3‑4 evenings a week, he works a normal M‑F schedule. We make roughly the same amount and split everything 50/50, but I do work less hours than him.
Monday is my grocery day. We agreed when I moved in that I would do the shopping since I can go when it’s not as busy. We have a shared note on our phones where he can add things to our list.
The arrangement was fine for a while, but I started to get annoyed a few months ago. The whole process of shopping, self‑checkout, loading into car, unloading, and putting it all away takes at least 2 hours. Not to mention emptying the old stuff out of the fridge and pantry. I almost always have to take out the trash too.
It wouldn’t be as bad if I didn’t feel he was unappreciative. He gets to open an app and write down requests, then I do all the work. He comes home to a stocked kitchen and pays the same amount as I do. When I’ve brought this up, he thinks it’s only fair since I “work less.”
Today, I had enough. The store was packed due to Thanksgiving. I texted him that they were out of something he wanted and he said to “look harder.” The fridge was full of leftover containers he never revisited or threw away. I texted him that from now on, he’s paying more than half or we’re shopping together on Sundays (our common day off that he says is for resting).
He thinks I’m an asshole for this, I disagree. I may work less but I am no housewife. We split everything down the middle. Isn’t it only fair that I’m compensated for doing all of the shopping every week? The only part that I believe may make me TA is that I agreed to this arrangement. But that was a year ago, and I’m burnt out.
AITA for saying I want to be paid more than half for groceries?
Comments
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Look harder?
I’m surprised he’s still alive after saying something like that. -
Staring at the empty shelf
I texted him so he could choose something else if he wanted. After that response, he got nothing. Lol. -
Red flag alert
The “look harder” line was definitely my “this guy is probably a lot worse than this one situation” red flag. The fact that he thinks you owe him more chores because you work less and still pay 50/50 is where I’m like “this is only going to get worse.”
Sure, he can change, and you might be able to nip this in the bud, but if the only way to get him to change is by holding the relationship‑ending gun to his head, watch out, because those people don’t really change. -
ESH, but also a bit of a deal‑breaker
From the perspective of attitude and fair division of labor, at least as you’ve described it, boyfriend is definitely being an AH.
On the other hand, what you’ve essentially done is said “I want you to pay me to shop for you.” That’s also an AH move in a relationship.
A healthier way to approach this would be to say, “I’m really not enjoying doing the shopping any more, and I feel unappreciated. I’d like to readdress the division of labor.” -
Is this the only thing bothering you?
Because a BF who says “look harder” to you saying they’re out seems like he’s lacking in other departments as well.
Time to redo tasks in the apartment. He gets to shop on the way home and you do whatever he was responsible for. If he won’t, stop buying for him and just get your own groceries. If you’re throwing stuff away weekly, you’re buying too much.
But really, assess the situation as a whole and see if this is the straw or the only issue. NTA.
TL;DR
The boyfriend’s “look harder” attitude and 50/50 split while she’s doing the heavy lifting has everyone questioning if she’s the one “paying more” or just the one doing the grocery‑shopping. Either way, it’s a classic case of “you do the work, you get the credit.” 🍽️💸