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AITA for not paying for Thanksgiving groceries as a guest?

· 5 min read

The Great Charcuterie Conundrum​

Picture this: it’s Thanksgiving, the turkey is roasting, the mashed potatoes are whispering sweet secrets, and you’re the “charcuterie hero”—or so you thought. I, a recent grad with a bank account that could only say “hello” and “goodbye,” was invited by my best friend—who is basically a one‑woman wage‑slave—to spend the holiday at her house.

We’ve been doing this Thanksgiving ritual for years: we swoop in, haul groceries, whip up a salad, and hand over a fancy chocolate box that costs more than a small car. The parents usually thank us, the aunt and uncle bring a side dish (or a single, questionable casserole), and the whole thing ends in a pot‑luck that feels more like a pot‑luck‑cave. No one mentions a “pay‑to‑play” rule until after the turkey is carved.

Last Year’s “Free” Charcuterie​

Last year, I and my friend promised to “take care of” the charcuterie board and salad. The parents paid for everything, we did the shopping, cooking, and cleaning, and the parents complimented us like we were Michelin‑star chefs. We even brought a $40 box of chocolate because, hey, we’re not just guests—we’re gift‑givers.

This Year’s Miscommunication​

Fast forward to this year. Same plan, same promise. We show up, buy the ingredients (again, using the mom’s credit card—because who needs to check the receipts?), and the turkey is almost ready. After the feast, the mom—apparently a new fan of the “you’re not a child anymore, contribute!” mantra—storms in. She says, “I assumed you were going to pay for the charcuterie board,” and my friend tells me that this was the first time the parents expected us to foot the bill.

Apparently, I was supposed to bring a dish from my own funds—a “hostess gift” for the Thanksgiving potluck. My brain did a quick Google search: “Thanksgiving potluck rules” and found a page that says, “Everyone brings a dish. The host pays the turkey.” It turns out I was the only one who thought a $40 chocolate box counted as a dish.

The Money‑Mishap​

I tried to pay her back, but she’d rather have me shout “I’m not a kid!” than accept the money. It was like a scene from a sitcom: “You’re not paying me? I’ll have to use the credit card!” She refused, yanked on my dignity, and left me feeling like I’d been invited to a party where the only dress code was “unemployed.”

The Moral of the Story​

I feel like I’ve been pranked by a Thanksgiving version of a “Mysterious Stranger” movie. If you’re planning to bring a chocolate box and think that’s your contribution, maybe double‑check the RSVP. If the family is planning a potluck, maybe ask if the “host” is actually the host. And if you’re a “guest” who can’t afford to pay, maybe bring a real dish—like a casserole that doesn’t need a credit card.

Comments​

  • This might have just been a miscommunication, but at the point where she refused to take your money in order to keep yelling at you makes it full NTA. I would never darken their doorstep again after that.
  • When someone says “I’ll take care of….” I assume they are contributing whatever that is, physically and financially. Maybe they thought last year was a miscommunication and this year you would understand that. However, your friend should have communicated that last year you were expected to contribute the salad/board yourself, and that everyone contributes a dish, and that this year you are to bring a dish bought or made with your own funds. The mother sounds a little unhinged, and maybe this year is a little bit tighter financially for people and that’s why she was extra sensitive, but no excuse for her to be rude. NTA.
  • Wait is that what's happening in this story? OP promised to “take care of” the charcuterie board twice and never paid for ingredients either time? Because yes, “take care of” means pay for and prepare, not just prepare, so I was really lost as to what the conflict was.
  • Yeah and I think both times she shopped for the ingredients using the mom's credit card while helping the daughter do their family shopping.
  • I didn’t see that mentioned, in the story OP says “we said we would help with …” (Assuming we refers to OP and the friend, who’s mom was yelling). Although whatever was said, I could assume that mom thought OP (but not friend?) would “take care of it” and pay as well. But it does sound like OP thought the dish was a joint project with OP and friend, so if there was paying, it could’ve been shared expense, or at least negotiated. Aaand the friend paid for groceries, so how would OP know it wasn’t okay? Mom is TA. She could’ve handled it like an adult.

TL;DR​

OP thought a $40 chocolate box was a “hostess gift” and didn’t realize the family was actually running a potluck where guests were expected to bring dishes. Mom yells, OP tries to pay, mom refuses, everyone’s confused, and the whole thing turns into a comedic (and slightly tragic) Thanksgiving saga. The moral: if it’s a potluck, bring a casserole, not a chocolate bar.